So Hurt. So Aching. So Suffering. But Why? WHY, SHE BEGGED TO THE HEAVENS?!
Sometimes sadness prevails and all is lost. And then we make it worse with impossible-to-answer questions. Like how is it possible that one singular guy, or one terrible experience, can have such a hold on you?!
How could he turn you into such a mucky-muck, heartbroken, disastrous mess? Especially when you weren't even with him for that long??
And gosh, why do you let it effect you so much?!
Why can't you seem to get over it??
RECORD SCRATCH. STOP THE TAPE. HOLD UP.
In my experience, the big "WHY" questions don't get you very far.
In fact, the big "WHY's" often keep us circling the same sad wagon around the same heartbreaking situation over. and over. and over again.
"Why did he do that? Why would he say that? Why did this happen to me? Why does he seem so fine?!"
You don't have any answers...so you just keep asking.
And yet answers don't appear. So you just keep asking. Wagon, wagon, wagon. Round round round. Sad sad sad. Bad bad bad. More asking, more wagoning--
Take a breath, stop circling, and consider a bigger, better, more important question:
What happens to you, and what do you do, when you hurt very badly?
Aren't you a bit of a wagon-circler? An obsess-er? A talk-about-it-and-Google-about-it-until-you're-blue-in-the-face-n-fingertips...er? Aren't we all??
And really, does it work? Does it make you feel better? Does it comfort you and/or get your ass going in a new, better-feeling direction?
Let's be real: Usually no.
So there has to be a better way. A different way. It's time to decide: What will you do in this place of hurt?
How will you support yourself through these moments?
There is so little teaching and training on this subject, it infuriates me. We ache and suffer and we do it in silence, because we think we just shouldn't feel that way, or we think we should be able to bounce back immediately. Or we think we have to understand all of the messy moving pieces in order to move on.
Nah, kid. Nah.
If you're hurting, you're hurting. If you don't know, you don't know. If it doesn't make sense, it doesn't make sense. LET IT NOT MAKE SENSE. Stop tormenting yourself with herds of question wagons.
A good use of that time is to discover what you can begin to do to help yourself through that hurt, and away from that hurt, gently but intentionally. Instead of just circling around or digging deeper into it you can see it, acknowledge it, welcome it even, but then focus elsewhere.
Here are some things you can do (from me, a Rocky-level champion of heartbreak and a coach to those becoming equally qualified champions of heartbreak):
- Sleep. A lot. Or just a little.
- Cry. A lot. Or just a little.
- Talk to someone you love and trust. Someone you don't have to censor yourself around.
- Feel your feelings please. Feel them without judging them. Trust that they will pass cause that's what feelings do.
- STAY OFF THE DREADED SOCIAL MEDIA. Avoid insta-stalking or facebook scrolling. Really.
- Schedule a spa day or pamper yourself at home.
- Watch your favorite movie or TV shows on repeat ("The Office" Season 2 really does it for me.)
- Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. Seriously, exercise.
- Journal every single day, and don't read it over. Just let yourself get it out.
- Learn how to meditate, finally.
- Or start meditating regularly again.
- Yoga's good.
- So is pie. A la mode.
- Call him and try to fix it, just to remind yourself of how broken it is in the first place. (This will help you stop clinging, but first it will suck.)
- Put on your favorite outfit, with your favorite shoes, and do something-- anything . Get all dressed up with everywhere to go.
- Cry more, probably.
- Beckon something bigger than yourself to support you and heal this mess He/she/it will .
- Learn to speak Spanish. Or Italian. Or pig latin. Learn something.
- Bake souffle! Start watercoloring. Take up muay thai or burlesque. Try something new.
- Rebound. Yes--in a conscious, thoughtful, healthy way.
- Buy a vibrator.
- Or buy a new vibrator.
- Make yourself an epic candlelit dinner, preferably something he wouldn't have enjoyed.
- Think angry thoughts about him. Yes--in a conscious, thoughtful, healthy way.
- Dance party.
- Vent. Vent some more.
- Vent even more.
- Decide that venting isn't doing it for you anymore, and focus on other things.
- Become a master at distracting yourself.
- Write a lot about how you feel (maybe a poem! yes!) and then tear it up and/or burn it. It will feel good.
- Schedule a session with your therapist or your coach, or find a therapist or coach, and invest in yourself.
- Read books.
- Listen to podcasts.
- Watch YouTube videos. Especially ones of cute, tired animals.
- Get a haircut. Cause hey--it's a cliche for a reason.
You must train yourself in the art of slowly, gently, lovingly, moving on.
Do not sit in your hurt and stare at it until it doesn't look like anything anymore, and all you feel is dread and sorrow.
Choose to do something, to look forward, to be with yourself and help yourself up and out of the hurt. Not because you need to escape it, but because to sit in the unfairness and the frustration of it all is wrecking you. And you are too beautiful and intelligent and aware to allow yourself to be wrecked any longer.
Cause there's a time and a place for "why" questions, but hopefully it's not forever.
I would love to know what you do in moments of hurt to help yourself, and I know your answers will help provide a roadmap to other women who might be hurting too. Share them in the comments. Let's create a library of healing for one another, so everyone has something to turn to when the BIG BAD WHY'S start bubbling over.
Trust that the answers to the BIG BAD WHY's come in time. Just be patient. And take care of yourself very well until you get there.