10 Surefire Ways to Drive Yourself Crazy & Simultaneously Ruin Your Own Life, 24/7 |


Is your life more or less okay? Like, do you have access to clean drinking water? A smart phone? A working toilet? Can you think of three people you could call right now and say, "I love you," to? WOW, you're fucking blessed! Congratulations!

But come on, why be grateful or happy when you could be, y'know, wrought with existential crisis and inner turmoil?

Why relax and enjoy so many of life's blessings when you could easily participate in one of humanity's faaaavorite past times?

That's right, it's time to make ourselves miserable, kittens.

And 'cause everyone loves a listicle, here are 10 of the top, must-do, tactics and habits for self-inflicted CRAY-CRAY and capital-D Distress.

Ohhh doggy, it's a new day! A fretful, worrisome, dark-cloud-hanging-over-your-head kinda new day. Here's how you can get started, stat:

1) Constantly question and second-guess all of your choices, past and present, for all of eternity!

Was that the right thing to say? Should you have majored in that in college? What was your Mom doing at this point in her life?

To really ramp things up, lay in bed in the dark around 1 o'clock in the morning and mull over the same conundrum again and again until you're too exhausted to know what's real and what's just your tired, dead, over-wrought brain. You'll be freakin' out in no time!

2) Devalue your own feelings!

Wanna feel really confused, mixed up, muddled, and sad? Tell yourself that you're not allowed to feel how you feel! Condemn yourself for any and all emotions! Convince yourself you don't deserve to be happy/sad/elated/anxious because of some asinine experience or reason! (ex. "I did this to myself, so I can't be upset about it..." EXACTLY!)

For even more fun, devalue how you feel to the point where you don't even know how you feel anymore, and you're just numb and lost, and then blame yourself for that too! Yaaaay.

3) Lie about who you really are!

Do you love watercolor painting but label it childish and resent that your father never approved of your artistic endeavors?

Are you dying to try your hand at acoustic guitar but at the same time telling yourself you're not musical and you'll probably just suck at it?

Would you love to sign up for a surf-yoga retreat but fear your friends will make fun of you and you don't want to have to deal with their snarky remarks (resnarks)?

Ignoring and/or negating your preferences, dreams, desires, and longings is one of the best ways to increase your misery STAT. Don't wait! Get started today.

4) Expect perfection from yourself, all the time, no matter what!

Maybe other people are allowed to screw up, make mistakes, or look silly sometimes, but not you! No-sirree-BOB! No way! Unh unh! Perfection, or bust! Who cares if it's impossible? You'll make it work, bitches!

(And when you do inevitably mess up, make sure to shamefully remind yourself that you're not allowed to because you're supposed to be perfect! SERIOUSLY.)

5) Act like your needs don't matter!

So what if you're tired? So what if you're over-worked? So what if you're lost, lonely, confused, afraid, hungry, or hung over? SUCK IT UP SISTER!

Just act like it's not there, and plow ahead like a bull stuck inside of life's goddamn china shop. If you even pause to consider your needs (even for a moment!) you run the risk of actually doing something good for yourself. No room for that! This is about crazy-making, remember?!

6) Tell yourself you're not good enough!

It doesn't matter what it is, just tell yourself you're not good enough for it! A relationship, a job, a promotion, a healthier lifestyle, you don't deserve it! You're not worthy! Blah blah blah BS BS BS just keep shoveling it in until you really believe it and refuse to question how insane that concept is.

Trust us, you'll feel terrible in no time!

7) Be a slave to your fears!

Afraid of what he'll think? What she'll say? What might happen? If you'll fail? If you'll succeed? ANYTHING? ALL OF IT?

Don't question it or find a way to manage it or self-soothe, no way! Just let the fear take over and paralyze you from the neck down so you stay exactly where you are and never have to challenge yourself or bust through self-imposed limitations. Fear is great for that!

Get going: Drink up the fear-flavored kool-aid and watch life pass you by, cutie pie!

8) Ignore your instincts and intuition! Seriously, both of them! Forever!

Don't pay attention to that little voice inside, are you crazy?! That little voice could lead you down a path of harmony, fulfillment, and good decision-making, that's the LAST THING YOU WANT!

Instead, drown out that voice with lots of negative self-talk, red wine, and plenty of internal avoidance! Convince yourself you don't know what you want or what's best for you, so you can really feel lost and alone in the world. YEAH!

9) Compare yourself to anybody! Or everybody!

That chick's already married! That dude has two kids! She makes more money than you do, and she's got a better rack! And a house and a dog and it seems like they really have their shit together!

Nothing is more dissatisfying and frustrating than the endless comparison game, right?!

So get on it! Consider anyone that seems like they're doing moderately well and notice how much less well you seem to be doing. Forget that you have no idea if they're actually happy/healthy/fulfilled/at peace/okay at all, and just focus on the external bullshit, okay?

10) Never, ever, ever, ever acknowledge or celebrate how good you are at well, just being you.

Don't give yourself credit for how hard you try, how much you're doing, everything you've been through, any and all struggle, don't pause for a moment to notice that in spite of it all, you're still showing up every day and doing your damn best.

If you start acknowledging your sweet, snowflake-y goodness, you really run the risk of actually feeling kind of at peace and okay with yourself...and we wouldn't want that, would we?

NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO. This is all about misery-inducing crazy-making, right? That's what LIFE is for, yes?

We're not here to have a good time, or to learn shit, or explore new opportunities, or get inspired, or fall in love, or look at rainbows, or smile at tiny small children, or buy something sparkly, or drink frappuccinos, or travel the world, or ride rollercoasters, or climb tall mountains, or swim in secret rivers, or hug people like we really mean it...

No way...that sounds like way too much fun...

We're not here to connect with others, and recognize our own greatness, and trust in our journey, and let go of the reins, and simply enjoy this temporary phase the best we can, and admit that maybe we don't know what we're doing, but that's okay, and we're going to make a solid effort to have a damn good time anyway.

No no no, that all sounds like it might be actually enjoyable. Like it might actually be interesting and exciting.

Hmm...sounds awfully risky. Better just head back to #1 and start second-guessing again...

What do you think? ;)