When Finding Love Feels Like a Struggle (UGH), Here's What You're Doing Wrong. |
This week I shared a video about how to spark connection with any guy, anywhere. A lofty promise, but I stand by every word. And I bet my tips are probably a lot easier to implement than you think. You can click here to watch the whole shebang: BLAH BLAH BLAH YAY.
But let's be honest: Even if you have all the necessary social skills and are committed to flirting your face off, it's easy to feel like you're still struggling. And to stress out over every little interaction or failed connection.
And then the idea of putting yourself out there feels like a full-time job where your confidence and self-worth hangs in the balance. It feels like you're getting graded every time you make a move, and you don't trust yourself, and just -- BLERGH.
I've been there and I know, it's miserable. And I want to make things easier, less stressful, more fun, and undeniably fruitful in terms of future relationship opportunities.
Read on to learn where you might be going wrong in your attempt to woo and win over the opposite apples of your sexual eye. (What?) Just keep reading.
TRUTH: YOU'RE PROBABLY TRYING TOO HARD.
Trying too hard is like showing up at someone else's party with your own balloons and a DJ, plus a full bar and catering company in tow.
I mean that's nice? I guess? But it definitely isn't necessary.
And it kind of assumes that the host can't figure things out for him or herself. They won't be able to hold their own. They must need your help.
So you put all this unnecessary pressure on yourself to ensure everyone has a great time and enjoys themselves, instead of just letting your mere presence be enough. You feel like you have to overextend and impress and deliver. But that was never your job in the first place - it ain't your party.
Well guess what? Someone liking you, asking you out, wanting to talk to you, thinking you're cute, funny, charming, sexy or delightful...NONE of these things are your job.
NONE OF THEM. You have such little control in those areas. Like, infinitesimal.
You are not, not, not the host of that party. You are not in charge and cannot control anyone's experience of you. The only thing you can do is show up and try to have a fun time. Be a good guest. Relax a little. Take responsibility for you, and you alone.
When we think it's our job to make an impression, to get or keep someone's attention, to convince them of how awesome we are (i.e. The impossible task of "making someone like us"), that's when we get confused and start overanalyzing and overcompensating.
We think we have to go above and beyond to provide this exemplary experience. We get watchful and weird and über-focused and keep refilling his drink and asking if he's too hot/cold and he's like, "Jesus H can I just grab a beer and a weenie-on-a-stick and enjoy the music??"
Yes, sir. Yes you can.
We gotta step away and own that him liking us is not our job. It's his.
We must release the reigns and force him to figure this one out for himself. And if the thought of doing this stresses you out, and you frightfully imagine, "But then no one will ever like me!" then this is exactly what you need to hear right now. That is a fear-based lie.
Stop trying so hard. Resist the urge to play the micro-managerial hostess. It stresses you out and makes everyone else uncomfortable. Because how he feels (in general, but especially about you) is not and never will be in your jurisdiction.
OR MAYBE, You give way too many fucks.
Giving a lot of fucks will serve you well in many situations.
I highly recommend giving a plethora of fucks when it comes to your chosen career, your health, how you feel about and treat yourself, what kind of tattoo you end up getting, etc...
But when it comes to just putting yourself out there and meeting new people? Please, reduce the volume of fucks you are doling out.
You don't know these people, or this particular guy. Or rather, you don't really know him.
Is he a good person? A decent human? Does he have ethics, values, morals, personal integrity? Is he kind, well-meaning, and worthy of your held attention? Sure he might be charming or fun to look at, but what's his deeper deal?
WE JUST. DONT. KNOW. Early on, we can't know.
So we cannot care about him too much just yet. We have to take a "wait and see" approach. We need to massively chillllllllllllll outttttttttttt.
If I sense a spark or connection with someone new, I might be intrigued but I make sure it ends there. I consciously make efforts to ensure my initial interest doesn't go overboard.
Because intrigue should not equal obsession. Intrigue is curious but mellow and mindful. Intrigue doesn't go home and scope out his Instagram for the last 64 weeks.
A connection may occur, but then we must walk away and forget about it. We must consciously turn out attention elsewhere. We have to remind ourselves as many times as possible (1,000 times a day perhaps), "You don't know him. He's just a person. Let. It. Go."
If we hear from him again? Great. If we feel inspired to reach out? We can. But if we get caught in a downward spiral of telling everyone we know about him and the cute but thus-far inconsequential 10 minute (or 2 hour, or weekend-long) conversation we had with this COMPLETE AND TOTAL STRANGER, we need to reel our fucks back in.
And I Bet You're forgetting, "Wait - I'm the prize."
Listen up: You are not some drive-around salesperson, knocking on dudes' doors, fretting and sweating and wringing your hands, anxiously attempting to sell yourself.
You are not some sad peasant on-looker watching as the world passes by, eyes wide with never-enough-ness, wishing and praying to be picked out of the crowd by some parading hog-head on high.
You, gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous, are a fucking TREASURE.
These people? They are blessed to be in your presence. This guy? He should be thrilled that you left your house this morning and showed up at all. If he's smart, he'll recognize that and be dying for a second opportunity to connect with you in the future.
You can light up a room like a friggin Christmas tree if you want to. You are special and funny and uniquely beautiful. You make other people feel special and funny and beautiful too. You have these gifts. Hell, you are the gift.
Don't believe me?
Don't worry; I didn't believe me for years, either.
I used to think I needed to work really hard to be interesting or lovable. That I would have to bend over backwards to convince somebody, anybody, to give me a chance.
And then when they did, I would feel equal parts nervous, confused, and stressed out because I felt like I had to keep the show going.
"Please let me continue to prove my worthiness! I promise I won't disappoint! Just stick around and stay in your seat through the second act; the show gets better I swear! It gets better!! I, I can get better!!!"
Oof. Exhausting, isn't it?
So this became my work (and it's your work now, too):
We need to start seeing ourselves in a new, empowered way. We must begin behaving in a way that supports this profound belief: We are a treasure. We are THE prize. Anyone in this room would be lucky to have us. If some guy lets us slip through his fingers, he's obviously unclear and unaware of what he's passing up on. His loss. ONTO THE NEXT.
We all have special insights and offerings to provide. Each of us is a one-of-a-kind, non-stop kaleidoscope of thoughts, experiences, perspectives, emotions, joys, laughs, triumphs, struggles, quips, witticisms, and tears amidst lovable goofiness and jaw-dropping imperfection and humanity.
I'm not like her, or her, or her, or that other one over there, and that's a GREAT thing. Because I don't want to be like her. I want to be like me, messiness and all. I want to own every ounce of me.
And honestly? He wants me to be like me, too. He doesn't want one more phony, "Here let me bend over backwards to prove my worthiness," chick. And if he does want that? Fuck, he's definitely not the guy for us.
This kind of "YES I AM THE SHIT ACTUALLY, THANK YOU," attitude might strike you as conceited or even slightly off-putting, but I want you to lean heavily in this direction.
Many of us are so deep in a dark hole of "never enough" that we need to try on an outlook far off on the opposite end of the spectrum to experience a legitimate level of enough-ness, comfortable confidence, and quiet irresistibility. Trust me, you won't go off the deep end and become Narcissist Magee.
To sum it up: Pease do yourself a million favors and start exploring these ideas.
Am I overcomplicating? Overcompensating? Trying to control things or people I can't control? Am I trying too hard?
Do I invest too soon? Do I participate in the painful practice of seeing myself through someone else's eyes, when their opinion really shouldn't matter much at this point? Do I give way too many fucks?
Do I diminish my own value throughout the dating process? Do I automatically assume someone is doing me a favor when they show interest? Am I forgetting that I am an absolute treasure, a gift, a prize?
This is inner work. No amount of flirtation or memorized pick-up lines can fix this for you. It takes introspection, consistent effort, and awareness. But understanding and enjoying the relationship you have with getting into relationships? That's what will ultimately determine your success.
When the process is fueled by fun, ease, understanding, and healthy, hands-off vibes, you and true love are far more likely to find one another.
So be easy. Be gentle. Take the pressure off. Know your worth. And never doubt that you are one saucy, majestic grade-A lady who is highly deserving of a phenomenal man. Believe it. Believe it. Believe. And watch what happens.