6 Ways You're Cutting Yourself Off from Fabulous, Life-Changing, Romantic Connection |
There comes a moment in every
pug's woman's life where she must look at her furry mug human face in the mirror and recognize that despite the best of intentions...she might not be helping herself along in the love department.
So she decides to curl up with her favorite blanket, pour herself a glass of kibble wine, pull out her laptop or other-such electronic device, and (naturally) take to the internet for guidance.
Smart move! Because we all have blind spots and sneaky habits of self-sabotage. And it often takes an objective person on the outside to open our eyes to how we might be screwing ourselves over in the pursuit of romantic love and deep, drool-worthy connection.
Well, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm an objective person on the outside. And I'd love to enlighten you to six of the most common ways we cockblock ourselves from crossing paths with our future one-and-only's. Here goes:
1) By believing that physical attraction needs to come first.
I hardcore slammed this belief in my video this week. You can watch it here: ATTRACTION SCHMATTRACTION.
What are the big, basic points and takeaways?
Attraction is fluid. Meaning you might meet someone, find yourself initially very attracted, but after learning more about them or spending more time together, you come to find them rather unappealing.
Naturally, attraction must work the other way, too.
We could meet someone, feel generally "meh" towards them on an attraction-level, but as we get to know them deeper suddenly find ourselves feeling stirred in unexpected ways. The idea that we need to experience some level of physical attraction before we can even entertain the possibility of a deeper connection is silly, childish, and downright unfortunate.
We're pricing ourselves out of a whole slew of viable men on the market, just because they don't get our juices flowing (ew, but you know what I mean) immediately. My recommendation? Challenge your ideas about the validity of initial attraction, and give the non-dime piece fellas a chance to surprise you.
2) By telling ourselves, "I'm not ready" or "I need to work on me" or "I'm still not over my ex".
This might ruffle some feathers, so I want to be very clear:
Is "working on yourself" important? Yes.
Is taking time after a break-up to center and sooth yourself valid and necessary? Duh.
Is examining your path and journey thus far in the hopes of creating positive future change a good idea? CLEARLY.
But should any of these things stand in the way of potential connection? No. That's defeating the purpose.
Do not use, "I'm working on myself," as a highly-evolved excuse to withdraw and hibernate into solitude. You can work on yourself and date. You can work on yourself and be in a relationship. In fact, our biggest pain points and opportunities for growth are usually revealed through our interactions with others.
If you want to fast-track all of that well-intentioned work on yourself, put yourself out there and see what comes up for you. Voila: There's your work.
3) By focusing exclusively on one guy at a time.
Often we need the power of contrast to discern what's preferable and best for us.
If I gave you a $1 cup of basic, corner deli coffee you'd probably think, "Yeah, sure, this'll do the job."
There's nothing to compare to, so it's fine. Sip, sip, gulp. Goes down pretty easy.
But if I then handed you a $6 latte from a bougie cafe down the street, where they only use fine, imported, Italian espresso swirled into perfectly steamed organic milk, with one of those fancy latte-art leaves garnishing the top amidst a sprinkle cinnamon and velvety foam...you'd probably taste it and declare, "DEFINITELY MORE OF THIS PLEASE."
Corner deli coffee is fine on it's own. Just like a date with a decent, mediocre guy is fun when you don't have much else going on. But when you stack a date with mediocre-man next to a date with holy-shitballs-he's-amazing guy?
There's no comparison.
When you're in the early stages of getting to know someone, it is more than fine (nay - encouraged) to keep your options open to avoid tunnel vision. Here's a video from Matthew Hussey on why it makes you irresistible from a guy's perspective, and an article from Rori Rayne on how "circular dating" (dating more than one person at time) is the way to go if you want to find the right man for you.
4) By "redlighting" whilst out in the world with other humans.
I made a whole video about how you can easily connect with any guy, anywhere (a daily practice I call "greenlighting") and also revealed some of the surprising ways we cut ourselves off from connection. You can click here to watch: GREENLIGHT MEANS GO.
"Redlighting" is anything we do to close ourselves off from connecting, sometimes even unintentionally. A few of the most surprising, common methods of redlighting in public?
- Wearing headphones.
- Avoiding eye contact (yes, wearing sunglasses counts).
- Avoiding small talk.
- Never smiling.
- Keeping our face and focus buried in our phones.
And here are some sneakier, internal ways we redlight to avoid being our most authentic, expressive selves. We might tell ourselves things like:
- "If I do that [say hi, smile, ask a question, introduce myself] he/she/they will think I'm weird..."
- "I don't want to bother anyone..."
- "He probably wouldn't be into me..."
- "He probably has a girlfriend..."
- "I'm just not that kind of person..."
Do yourself a favor and challenge these habits and practices. As I say in the video, greenlighting isn't an exclusive practice for picking up dudes. It's a doggone way of life we could all afford to lean into more regularly.
5) By putting our own needs, desires, and dreams on the back-burner.
Know what is supremely, irresistibly, across-the-board appealing and attractive?
A GROWN ASS WOMAN WHO KNOWS HERSELF AND IS KICKING ASS AT LIFE.
Know what will repel a stable, confident, has-his-shit-together guy faster than you can say, "NO WAIT, COME BACK!"?
SOMEONE WHO WANTS/THINKS SAID PERFECT MAN WILL SOMEHOW SOLVE HER PROBLEMS AND KICK LIFE'S ASS FOR HER.
We fall into this repelling state when we treat a relationship like the end-all, be-all solution to our lifelong struggles and woes.
"I don't need a sense of purpose or meaning in my life, a relationship will be my sense of purpose!"
"I don't need to create fulfillment or feel-good vibes in my everyday life experience, falling in love will do that for me!"
"I don't need to think about my future/be financially secure/achieve anything for myself because surely some majestic prince is bound to stride in on his gleaming white horse any minute now to rescue me from my life!"
Oh. Hell. No. For so many reasons.
These "damsel in distress" style themes of existence - which are largely unconscious and insidiously deep-rooted for many of us - are especially detrimental because we wind up thinking if we are self-sufficient and don't obviously "need" someone, he won't show up or buy-in. Don't I need to be some sleepy-eyed moron to attract a prince? (Thank you, Disney!)
Let's clear this up: if you want a secure, comfortable, confident, adult male, you need to understand that he doesn't want to rescue anyone. He knows he can't. And it's not his job. He wants you to be rescuing yourself. Fulfilling yourself. Dreaming big. Focusing on your own happiness. When a guy finds a woman like that he doesn't think, "Oh man, she doesn't need me, I guess I'll mosey along..." he thinks, "Oh man, she doesn't need me, so I have to make her want me!"
Move your well-being and life-fueling goals to the front-burner. Make your feelings and satisfaction priority number one. Don't settle. Don't compromise.
6) By playing out every past romantic failure on loop in your mind (or in conversation) from now until the end of time.
I see this happen a lot in my one-on-one work, when I ask a client what they're looking for in a partner, or are seeking in their next relationship. Past-dwellers will immediately respond with, "Well my ex was a liar and completely emotionally unavailable. He had all these family issues and never kept his word on anything, not to mention I think he cheated on me but I could never get an honest answer out of him--"
I will then sit and wait for them to circle back around to a direct answer to my question of WHAT DO YOU WANT, but all too often they never get to that point. They just circle their sad wagon around ex douchebag #1 and then ex asshole #2 followed by that guy who seemed promising but inevitably fucked it all up.
Because some of us are still really hung up on the frickin past. Which I get. The past can have surgical-strength adhesive and octopus-like suckers clinging to your insides if you don't make peace with it and actively attempt to move on.
It can haunt us and torture us for a lifetime if we don't look for the learning and forgive ourselves for past mistakes. If we don't make it an active habit to focus on the future instead of telling and re-telling the past. And that doesn't just happen, it's a choice.
Making that choice consistently will allow you to feel more open to new romantic possibility, to clarify and get specific about what you want for yourself, and to notice what you need to change/shift/try if you want to make headway on that vision. Which is exciting, yes, but also scary.
Because the past is the one thing we absolutely cannot change, and that's exactly why so many of us get stuck hanging out there; "If I just focus on the past, and what I can't fix or do-over, then I don't actually have to think about the future, where I might actually have to change some things..."
The past is miserable but safe. The future is bright but unfamiliar. I recommend activating a future-focus whenever possible.
If you found yourself reading any of these points and having a knee-jerk reaction that sounded something like, "UGH, RUDE! That's unfair!" or, "Who does she think she is?! I'm not doing that!" then PAUSE.
The things that we have the most abhorrent, resistant responses to usually indicate that there is work for us to do in that arena.
Don't slam any of these ideas or practices because they make you uncomfortable or lay outside your comfort zone. Question your reactions. Really think about them. Test some of these suggestions out, because being willing to experiment and try out different methods for spawning significant connection is another great way to land the guy of your dreams!
Most importantly? There is no right way to find love. Find the methods, habits, and practices that work for you, that make you feel empowered and excited to be on this journey. Cause when you're happy, baby, you're downright irresistible.