You Don't Need More Goals. You Need You. Period. |
If you want to change your life, begin by changing the relationship you have with yourself.
You don’t need more goals.
You don’t need more mountains to climb, more finish lines to cross.
You need you.
Your support. Your patience.
To have your own back when the going gets tough.
To practice defending yourself against the voices in your head (and those out in the world) that would accuse you of being anything other than lovable, endearing, good-hearted, and full of surprises.
But how does one do that? How does one begin to improve the relationship they have with themselves?
I’m so glad you asked. Here are some pivotal, deeper-than-deep questions to sit with and consider:
1) How good are you at giving yourself what you really, truly need?
And if/when you don’t know what you need, how good are you at listening for some good old-fashioned internal guidance? Y’know, the kind that’s constantly available? Like, inside?
Get curious about your inner world. Ask yourself how you’re doing, what you’re struggling with, what you need. I suggest doing this very regularly.
Notice what you need in small moments, in the day-to-day goings-on of life.
Little needs: I need a nap. I need to call my mom. I need to finish this project. I need to go for a walk and clear my head.
And take time to tune into what you need in the larger, bigger, “THIS IS MY ONE LIFE AND I’M DYING TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT,” sense.
Big needs: I need to feel like the work I’m doing is meaningful. I need to be more creatively engaged. I need to give myself permission to treat my life like a daring adventure.
Both are important. Check in. Tune in. This is how you take care of yourself.
2) How comfortable are you with saying, “No,” when you really mean it?
Your ability to say “no” when something is not right for you, when you’re not ready, or when it’s not in alignment with your values is a priceless, self-loving skill.
Even when it means disappointing someone, you have to be able to say no.
When it means potentially being disliked, unpopular, or falling out of favor, you have to be able to say no.
If you think someone will be angry with you, accuse you of being selfish, or complain about it, you still must practice (lovingly) saying no.
In saying “no” when we mean it (and “yes” when we mean it, too), we are treating ourselves like someone who deserves to be paid attention to. Don’t we all want a little more attention?
Our preferences and limitations need to be seen and heard, especially by us. Honoring boundaries = self-care 101.
3) What are you delaying, denying, or numbing yourself from?
We delay things when we falsely believe that now is not the time, that we are not deserving, that we’re not ready, not good enough, that we don’t know what we’re doing.
What are you delaying that you (perhaps) don’t need to? A vacation? Applying for your dream job? Asking that cutie out on a date? Starting to write your book?
We deny when we aren’t ready to face our feelings, when we’re afraid of fall-out, and when we think we won’t be able to handle it. We would rather keep the door to our hearts closed than actually look inside.
Gently consider the following: What am I hiding from myself? What don’t I want to admit or own up to? What am I still hurting from, or deeply hopeful for? Write it down. Begin to honor your truth, even when it’s ugly/scary/unfathomable.
We numb when we want or need to escape. We might numb out with drugs, television, alcohol, food, a relationship, anything that helps us check out, zone out, and simply “forget everything”.
Of course, we all need escapes and distractions, but when we’re doing it in excess? It’s time to reign ourselves back in. To come back to center, and actually feel again.
When you know yourself better, and can support yourself, trust yourself, be easy on yourself when you need to, push yourself when it’s required, when the relationship you have with yourself reflects the kind of relationship you would want with any other soulmate, oh my gosh - life is just better.
So before you add one more item to your to-do list, or your “BIG HONKIN’ LIFE GOALS LIST”, consider what kind of loving attention and consideration you could share with yourself today, this week, this year. You'll thank yourself now, and you'll continue to thank yourself later.